Miss Rigby thought she was ready for anything the first day of a new year of kindergarten.
She had the tables organized, the assignments ready—because Kindergarten came with assignments now—and was waiting at the door for anxious children and equally anxious, emotional parents to come.
She was showing another student and his mother where the lunches were kept, when a group of eight people came in. Four men dressed in colorful and long robes, three of those in large pointy hats. A woman who looked to be in her thirties, decked out in a black and white vintage dress, her short hair in rye-colored ringlets. An impossibly beautiful couple, the woman with long crinkled seafoam green hair that fell to her waist. A young man in leather and chainmail in what looked like skirt or kilt of sometime, clutching a pink sparkly lunch box.
Atop the shoulders of one of the four robed men– revealing a middle-aged man with long soft golden-brown curls, clean shaven but dressed on a richly colored floor-length robe of royal purple, with matching pointy hat both covered with sliver embroidered vines—was a little girl who looked to be about five years of age, her yellow blonde hair pulled back in a fishtail braid, Not to bed outdone by her colorful companions, she was decked out in violet-colored slick, swirling with what seemed to be silver and gold, molded into a ballroom skirt and butterfly sleeves.
The man in the embroidered robe sat the little girl down on the ground and the man in the chainmail handed her the lunchbox, before his eyes went to Miss Rigby. “I think I see your teacher.” He said, pointing to the woman, “Do you want to go over?”
The woman with the rye-colored curls scoffed.
The little girl, however, smiled, nodding as the group walked over to her.
Even though she saw them coming, Miss Rigby couldn’t help but be a little startled. “Hello there.” She looked down at the little girl who was grinning at her. “You must be–” She looked at the chart, though it didn’t have any pictures. They really needed to do something about that.
“This is Hortense,” The green-haired woman spoke up, looking down at the little girl fondly, “Hortense Widdershins-Lovelace.” She looked back up to the teacher, “I’m her mother, Clavellina, and this is my husband, Novas, these are her uncles and aunt, Maria, Uxar, Vali, Anzrias, Grostrum and Ibus.”
Alright, I think I see what’s going on now. It wasn’t common to see extended family involved nowadays, but it did happen. One mystery out of the way. “It’s nice to meet you all.” Miss Rigby replied with a smile, before addressing Hortense, “I can show you where to put that lunchbox, if you would all just follow me…”
#
Hortense Widdershins-Lovelace quickly proved herself to be a…quirky child.
This became evident as soon as lunchtime on the first day. As other kids sat down with what the school had to offer or pulled out sandwiches or Lunchables, Hortense pulled out a small, cooked bird with the head still attached and cocked to one side, and flat little loaf of golden-brown bread.
A bowl-haired boy missing a tooth made a face when he saw the meal. “Ew! What is that?!”
“Squab.” Hortense answered, unphased and already digging into the meat.
“You’re weird!” The boy declared before getting up and hurrying to another table.
Hortense’s face fell for a moment, but then shrugged, going back to dining on the bird as another little girl with jet black hair plaited into pigtails sat next to her. “I like your dress.” She told her, “You look like a princess.”
“Thanks,” Hortense said, before looking down at the girl’s pale pink pleated skirt, “I like your skirt. Pink’s my favorite color.”
“Mine, too.” The little girl smiled, revealing her own missing teeth, “I’m Sophie.”
“I’m Hortense,” She replied before pulling out a slab of something wrapped in wax paper, “ My mommy and Uncle Anzrias packed some Scottish Tablet, do you want some?”
Sophie made an confused expression. “What’s Scottish Tablet?”
“It’s like fudge, only it’s not chocolate.” Hortense explained.
“Sure,” Sophie deemed, accepting a pale tan block.
#
Miss Rigby was used to hearing odd conversations. So, when Sophie and Hortense walked in one day after lunch talking about the difference between Marvel movies and Norse mythology, she didn’t think that much of it.
“…. Also, Hel was one of Loki’s kids, not Odins.” Hortense was telling Sophie, “And her name was Hel, not Hela.”
“How does your other dad know all this stuff?” Sophie asked, her brow furrowed.
“I’m not really suppose to talk about it.” Hortense admitted.
That got Miss Rigby attention. That never ended anywhere good.
Then there was the Billy Toliver incident.
Admittedly the incident happened during her planning period, and the recess monitors couldn’t exactly come to a consensus on exactly what happened, but there were three things everyone agreed on.
- Billy shoved Hortense in the mud, no doubt running the lacey dress she was wearing that day.
- The teachers didn’t know about this until everyone heard screaming.
- When they found Billy, he was hanging from a tree by his underpants and Hortense was at the base of it, grinning like a loon.
So now, half the staff was convinced the kid was witch.
#
While she didn’t believe Hortense was a witch by any means, Miss Rigby was more than little anxious as to how the parent teacher conference that night would go.
She sat with baited breathe, when Hortense entered the room, with her parents on each side of her, holding her hands. Whenever she saw Mr. and Mrs. Widdershins Miss Rigby floored by how beautiful the couple looked, but for some reason this was the first time she noticed Clavellina’s skin literally glowed and took notice of the platinum blonde tail sticking out from Novas’ frock coat. It was also the first time she got close enough to notice the split pupils of their eyes.
Miss Rigby managed to get her jaw off the ground as they sat down. “It’s a pleasure to see you again. Mr. and Mrs. Widdershins—”
“Excuse me.” Novas spoke up, “I hate to interrupt, but we should wait for the others.”
“They would be here, except Uxar didn’t want to pay for parking.” The Clavellina explained, looking quite embarrassed.
“Aunt Maria says he takes his title too seriously.” Hortense pipped up.
“Hortense.” Clavellina scolded “Don’t be rude.”
“Uxar?” Miss Ribsy repeated, “I didn’t realize her uncle would be coming.”
“All of them are, and Maria as well.” Novas said, “I know it might see irregular, but I assure you, they’re all also acting in the role of parent.”
“You see, technically the child has eight legal guardians.” Clavellina strangely casual about the statement, “Us—it’s how we met actually—Uxar and three other sorcerers—”
“Actually, dearest one, I believe they prefer the term wizards.” Novas spoke up.
“Sorry, wizards,” Clavellina tried again “The Norse god of Revenge—” She looked to her husband, “What deal did her birthparents even make with Vali again—you know what, never mind –and an almost chronically aggravated witch.”
Miss Ribsy froze, her mind not quite working. Had the woman in front of her just used the term wizards and witch? And a Norse god? Suddenly she glanced down at Novas’ tail. Was that real? What were these creatures in front of her? And how had she not noticed for half a semester?
“You really didn’t have to mention that part, Clavellina, it was a little rude.” Novas whispered to his wife.
“Well, she’s going to find out when they get here.” The wife, Clavellina apparently reasoned, “By the time everyone figures out the parking situation you know Maria’s going to be incensed.”
“I take it Maria is the…the witch?” Miss Ribsy said slowly, still processing all this.
“Yes.” Clavellina said with the nod of her head, right along with her husband.
“And witches are real?” Miss Ribsy asked slowly.
They looked at each other. “She doesn’t know.” Clavellina whispered.
“Most people don’t, remember?” Novas pointed out.
“Oh, right.” Clavellina said, again a bit too casually for Miss Ribsy’s taste, before lowering her voice and saying, “Maria’s never going to let any of us hear the end of it.”
“Excuse me –if you don’t mind me asking—what are you two?” Miss Ribsy asked.
“Oh, fairies.” The husband answered nonchalantly, “Her parents promised their first-born child to me in exchanged for vast wealth and –wasn’t it just the mother who bargained with you, Clavli?”
“Unnatural beauty.” Clavellina said, “I think that lead to her meeting the birth father actually.”
“Ah,” The husband responded, nodding.
“I’m sorry, did you two just said you bought Hortense?” Miss Ribsy asked, realizing she may need to call Child Protective Services when this conference was over. If she should even let Hortense leave with these…fair folk, apparently, at all.
Before the couple could try to answer the question, the door burst open, revealing a middle-aged man with a short brown beard in azure blue robes embroidered with glittery sky blue thread that created as pattern of falling leaves alone with a matching pointy hat.
“Must you always be so melodramatic, Anziras?” A woman’s exasperated voice called from behind him.
Behind Anzrias came the woman, her short rye-colored hair curling at the sides, her soft-featured face looking annoyed to be there. She was followed by a balding man with a long white beard dressed in black and dark red robes, complete with cape. He in turn was followed by young man with soft brown hair, still dressed like a Viking archer. He was followed by yet another older man, this one with a long gray beard, dressed in faded blue robes and hat. Finally came a clear-shaven man dressed in thinner robes, and no hat, who seemed rather embarrassed.
“Miss Rigsby,” Clavellina I believe you remember The Great Anzrias, Maire Lovelace, Ibus, Vali The Avenger Of The Aesir, Grostrum The Blue-Gray, and Uxar The Cheap.” After a beat she added, “I’m not being cruel, that’s his actual title.”
“Uh-huh,” Miss Rigsby began, before slowly standing up, “I think we’re going to need more chairs.”
“No, don’t worry yourself with that, ma’am.” Grostrum, the one in the blue-gray robes said, before beginning to chant in Latin.
Suddenly six chairs rose up from the back, doing a little dance, causing Hortense to giggle. Eventually they danced their way to the desk, flanking the Widdershins on either side and causing Miss. Rigsby to let out a startled yelp, jumping back.
“Now look what you’ve done!” Marie snapped as she set down, “You’ve scared the poor woman. This is exactly why I sided with those two,” She pointed to Widdershins, “About sending Hortense to school in Fairie, but noooo, you all bought into Vali’s plan.”
“Excuse me for wanting to give her a normal childhood!” The archer, Vali apparently exclaimed.
“And you’re all acting in the role parent for Hortense?” Miss Rigsby asked slowly, scarcely believing what she was seeing.
“Don’t worry, it’s not some weird swigger thing.” Anzrias spoke up, revealing a slight Scottish brogue.
“No one ever thinks it’s some weird swinger thing.” Ibus spoke up.
“That one bloke at Grostrum’s church did when we all went to Easter service!” Anzrias reminded him.
“That was one time!” Ibus argued back, “One time!”
“Enough, both of you!” Maria snapped, before addressing the teacher, “Alright, you know those stories where the idiot couple trade their first-born child to a witch, or a fairy or whatever for a magic plant, or unimaginable wealth, or a rose or whatever?”
“I’m familiar with the concept.” Miss Rigsby confirmed.
“Well, sometimes that actually happens.” Miara continued, “And Hortense’s parents made deals with all of us, in exchange for their firstborn child. They said they would give the child to me in exchange for an enteral health potion.”
“The dad traded his first-born child to me in exchange for super strength.” Anzrias said.
“Success in their careers.” Grostrum added.
“The mom wanted revenge on a high school rival.” Vali spoke up, covering Hortense’s ears.
“They wanted a cure for cancer.” Ibus said.
“And they went to a dark wizard for that?” Grostrum asked, one eyebrow raised.
“I wasn’t a dark wizard at the time!” Ibus exclaimed.
“At least with me they just wanted the ability to get the winning lottery numbers.” Uxar admitted flatly. “Every time.”
“Basically, they scammed all of us.” Maria finished, “By the time we realized what happened, we all had a magical legal right to the same kid, so we decided to just co-parent together. The wizards and Vali went in on bachelor pad, I moved in next door so she just comes and goes as needed, and she spends summers and weekends in Faerie with these two, which is why we should have just sent her to school there in the first place! We would get a lot less stares, that’s all I’m saying!”
“And if the fairy children bully her?” Vali spoke up, “Those kids are vicious! And snobs! They’re vicious snobs!”
The Widdershins’ for their part, simply shrugged at the accusations.
Vali, however, wasn’t done yet. “And she should still be with her own species as much as possible, it’s good for her! “
“I believe we’re getting off topic.” Mrs. Rigsby spoke up, trying to reign them in. If she could handle mom and dad and stepmom who dad had cheated with, she could handle a bunch of magical co-parents. “Let’s take a look at Hortense’s report card…”
That was the trick. Apparently when it came to Hortense, they were united. They were all pretty pleased with her grades, which, considering it was all As and Bs, why wouldn’t they?
“Someone earned themselves some Scottish Tablet.” Anzrias whispered into the little girl’s hairline, causing her to grin.
“There is one more thing I would like to discuss.” Miss Rigsby asked, “Would any of you happened to have taught Hortense magic by any chance?” She couldn’t believe she had to say that.
All the wizard and even the witch looked at each other.
“You all have been, haven’t you?” Clavellina guessed flatly.
“I think we’ve probably all taught her a little bit.” Uxar admitted sheepishly.
Slack-jawed, Clavellina stared at Grostrum.
“Actually, Grostrum’s the only one who hasn’t been teaching her magic on the sly.” Uxar explained.
“Can you really blame us?!” Miara exclaimed, “I mean, half of us wanted an apprentice!”
“Actually, I wanted a servant.” Ibus admitted awkwardly.
“I thought you said you weren’t a dark wizard at the time!” Vali exclaimed.
“Well, that doesn’t mean I was perfect either.” Ibus countered, “I was really more of gray wizard.”
“And what happened to giving her the most normal we could under the circumstances?” Vali questioned.
“Oh, wake up, Vali!” Miara exclaimed, “You won’t stop going on about what Marvel gets wrong about Norse Mythology, this one She pointed to Clavellina, “Wanted her for a pet!”
“I already apologized for my past bigotry!” Clavellina reminded them.
“The point is,” Maria took over again, “There was no way in the Sam hill this child’s life was ever going to be normal!”
Miss Rigsby cleared her throat. “I’ve not just bringing this up to cause a family feud. I have a reason. “
That got everyone’s attention again.
With that, Miss Rigsby explained the incident, Billy Toliver.
“Hortense, sweetie why would you do that?” Clavelina asked once the tale was done.
“He pushed me in the mud.” Hortense reasoned softly, “He had to pay.”
“That’s my girl.” Vali beamed, holding out one hand and receiving a high-five from the little girl.
“Hmmm, I thought we weren’t going to raise her to believe revenge was okay.” Grostrum hushed.
“This is why you don’t co-parent with a Norse god and a Messianic Jew.” Maria told Miss Rigsby flatly.
Shortly after that, the conference ended, everyone saying their goodbyes, Hortense ridding atop the Great Anzrias’ shoulders.
“So lovely seeing you again, Miss Rigsby.” Clavelina beamed, shaking the human woman’s hand.
“It was a seeing all of you again as well.” Miss Rigsby said. It was certainly educational.
They headed out in a heard, Vali saying, “I still think she deserves some tablet.”
“I’d said she’d get some.” Anziras said.
Once they left Miss Rigsby readied herself for the next conference. Spring semester should be interesting.